More questions than answers

I have suppose to been writing weekly on this blog, obviously that has not happened. I have been journaling more, but not things I want revealed to the entire world. I guess I have just been in a strange place. There seems to be a lot going on within me, on lots of different levels. I'm not sure how to process it all. Some things I do know. God is faithful. He is trustworthy and actively pursuing me. I have had more questions than answers about all sorts of things. Questions about life direction, about relationships, about the mystery of God's work in my life. I have been avoiding processing some of these things and have filled space with other things. I have been intrigued with John 11-Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I have thought a lot about the interaction between Jesus, Mary and Martha. It seems like for some reason Jesus is emotionally moved and weeping. There is something special abou this story. I know that Mary is the same woman that anointed Jesus feet with costly oil, so he had a connection with her. As I have mediated on it, I have thought about how what these women expected from Jesus wasn't what happened. What his sadness because he saw their lack of faith? Was it because things didn't happen like he had thought either? Is that even possible? They thought the request would go to Jesus and Lazarus would be healed. But, Jesus waited and instead of healing him, he ressurected him from the dead. In verse 40 Jesus says, "Did I not tell you that if you believed , you would see the glory of God?" It seems hard to know what initiated Jesus' tears. I have fallen in love with this passage. It makes Jesus so real to me. The struggle for Mary and Martha to have faith in the power of Jesus feels real to me. I know there are parts of my life feel dead and need to be raised from the dead through the power of Christ. I want to see the Glory of God!